Narcoleptic Daydreamer: When paradise is lost... can it find you?

The story of how 3 innocent teenage boys would inspire a great life change for me in 1993, and I wouldn't realize it until 2014. I'd like to think this is proof that everything happens for a reason...

It was 1993. I was only 12, during the trial, and eventual (wrongful) conviction in 1994 of Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin and Jessie Misskelly, Jr. I remember the trial, the conviction, and... the sentencing. Thinking how appaling of a world I live in that this could happen, even at 12 years old. My parents and family were all very into this case, and I remember them thinking he was innocent from the beginning. One good thing about my family? We are our own flock of black sheep, mostly consisting of artists and eccentric types.

Me, in 1993 (ish)

Needless to say, I couldn't fathom the magnitude at this point. I wasn't in the greatest of life situations myself, yes even at 12. Teenagers have a way of becoming out of touch, (especially ones like me) selfishly wrapped up in damaged existence. Time went on, and the whole trial slipped my mind. I hate to say this, because of these boys living their lives in prison, while I was on the outside just letting them just slip my mind.

This was the song that instantly came to my mind when I started writing this:

Who are you to waive your finger? You must have been out your head. Rob the grave to snow the cradle, and burn the evidence down. Soapbox, house of cards and glass... don't go tossin' your stones around. Foot in mouth, and head up asshole, watcha talkin' bout? Steal, borrow, refer, save your shady inference. Liar, lawyer, mirror show me... what's the difference?

It was in 1996 that I was reminded of them. Of course, thanks to HBO and the documentary, Paradise Lost, bringing it all back to the forefront of my brain. Sitting there for the whole 2.5 hours, without moving a muscle, grieving. Teenage condition can be a crazy thing, it turns out. This brought out something in me, I felt the loss, and I had never cried so much in my life. I knew they were innocent, I felt their hurt and pain, even at 14 years old. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew it.

Sitting in that courtroom, looking at murder photos from crime they didn't commit, would send most people into madness. The strength these kids would show through the whole process, to me, was something that could have only come from somewhere divine. Lies of witnesses, lack of evidence, police manipulation and slander. They endured it all, it was all too tormenting, even for me.

Damien Echols

Jason Baldwin

Jessie Misskelly, Jr.

I can instantly cry remembering the moment I watched Damien hold his infant son, knowing that would probably be the last time he would do so. I understand that pain, more than I can begin to explain right now. When they told him he would be sentenced to death, the look on his face, so vacant and infinite. Jason looked like he never really knew what to do or say. 16 years old, convicted of something of this consequence. Being told you will spend the rest of your life in prison. I bawled for hours, upon hours... upon hours. These 3 young boys who were robbed of a youth, youth that I seemed to just squander.

Damien, holding his son

Damien, beingsentenced to death

One, of all too many things, I found to be humorous, was while Damien was on the stand. They handed him one of his school folders, asking him to read the quotes he had written on it. One of which being a Shakespeare quote. Really? Shakespeare? And, a line from a Metallica song. What were they really trying to convict this kid of? Enjoying fine arts? I mean, seriously.

Unfortunately, I was only 14 when the documentary came out in 1996, and it again slipped my memory, the downward spiral into adolescence/adulthood took over my entire being. I say adulthood loosely, since I left home, living in another state by the time I was 17. Forgetting something that had such a profound impact on me? Obviously, I was in a look out for number one kind of stage in life.

Yours Truly, in 1996 (maybe '97)

Sadly, if it were not for the films, and all the wonderful people supporting and loving the West Memphis Three, I probably would have forgotten about them completely. Is that a vile sounding thing to say? Sure, I would have known when Damien was executed, and I would have mourned, but society, in general, is naive to these things. It's a sad but true fact, folks. Grateful as I'm sure these men, and everyone else is for all the love and support, there is still a problem here. We, as Americans have this deep-seated ability to forget such injustices. How do things like this still happen?

FREEDOM , is it really?

FAST FORWARD TO 2014...

Many years have (obviously) gone by since the original documentary. I've been many places, seen and experienced many things: some good, bad and ugly. All the while, the tormenting scenes of these kids have never left my brain. Oddly, I could never seem to place the name of the documentary, even the participants. Isn't it peculiarly cruel how such a poignant moment of my youth was forgotten? Along with everything else I've forgotten, lost or maybe just blocked out.

About 2 weeks ago, around 2:00AM, I was flipping through HBO on demand, when I came across it, my heart started pounding, there it was: Paradise Lost. I felt like I had found something substantial from my past that I had lost. The biggest, and BEST part about it? There were now 2 more follow up documentaries. I stayed up all night watching all 3 of them in a row.

They had found freedom, and I knew it before I even pressed play. I simply could not wait until the end of the 3rd Paradise Lost movie to find out what has happened since we met in 1994/96. I was on the internet immediately researching everything, from day one in 1993, to present day 2014. How could I not have known any of this? They were released from prison, almost to the exact day my youngest son was born, and I could not have been any more dumb to this?

Within my inquisitive research, I found out that Damien has written a book, Life After Death and was living in New York City, with his wife Lorri, of almost 15 years! I went out the next day, getting a copy of the book. (Damien and Lorri also co-wrote a book, Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row, which is due to be released in just a few days!) Jason is co-founder of Proclaim Justice, an organization that is dedicated to winning freedom for inmates who are factually innocent for the crime they were convicted. He is currently living in Seattle with his wife, whom he befriended while in prison. I'm not sure about Jessie, as there is not much information out there for him, but I hope he does okay. Although, I think he may have succumb to prison more than the other 2 men.

Damien, and his book 'Life After Death'

Jason, public speaking and advocating

Identical to the 3 docudramas on HBO, I couldn't put Damien's book down. It's almost as if I was seeing in tunnel vision. I expected that I would enjoy the book, what I did not expect was how much I could relate to his words. My childhood to Damien's, was as comparible as one could get, aside from the poverty level, which is something I was lucky not to have. (Until I would experience it for myself in my later early adult years) I would to get into specifics here, but that will take a whole seperate post. For arguments sake, I can just say that I think we felt very similarly as teenagers.

One quote from his book, that really stood out to me, is this:

I developed a fierce sense of pride at having come from such situations and circumstances. i look at the people who have done horrible things to me, who have lied about me, abused me, and tried to take my life, and i know they would have never been able to rise above the things that i have. they would have died inside.

I've always said that those people who judge me, would have never been able to go through any of the experiences I have, and ended up where I am today. My husband says that he doesn't know how I've done it. I think I've underestimated myself for far too long. Carpe Diem? It's time.

Although, I could never comprehend the magnitude and solitude of what living 18 years in prison is like, I was thrown into the psycho ward, (on more than one occasion) and even a foster home once. (I'm unsure why, maybe that's a question better left answered by my Mother) There was so much misunderstood (and misdiagnosed) about myself, or rather that nobody wanted to take the time to do so. I just faded away into my own lonely survival mode. Feeling almost as if I were reading my own book, I had overwhelming feelings to write. Writing is something that I used to do a lot of, but would either lose it or throw it away, because I never thought it was good enough, fearing someone would find it and read it.

A big shout out to music in general is necessary, without you... there is nothing. You were always there for me, and I know at least Damien felt the same way. This song makes me think of these boys, Damien in particular. It's what I would imagine you would feel, after living a life behind bars. For me, Tori Amos has always been one of those leaning posts:

I got something to say, you know... but nothing ever comes. Yes I know what you think of me, you never shut up. Yeah, I CAN HEAR THAT! Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand? Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head? Years go by, will I choke on my tears? One more casualty, you know we're too easy. Sometimes, I hear my voice, and it's been silent all these years.

This song has always been one that I have felt a strong passion for also. I am a free woman, yes, but have still fallen victim to a muted voice. Running away from my shadow, silent of my own injustice for too many years. I've always felt as though I had a higher purpose and I might impact the world in a great way. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but I am, for the first time, inspired to try and do something significant. I've been waiting for that push in the right direction.

Part of what is so inspiring to me about these men, is their lack of bitterness. Their ability to get past their anger and move forward and live life! They have gone through such a tragic injustice, have managed to still come out smiling. Yet, I can't let go of my anger and resentment? I'm ashamed of myself.

No, I haven't been with these guys from the start, as a part of the powerful force helping to set them free, but they have brought out a fierce power to my surface, one that has been hiding in the darkness. I believe this all happened for a reason.

Maybe I can actually do something about it now, something that I never could have done at 12 or 14 years old? Maybe I can make a difference in some way? The ultimate daydream come true, that would be.

Maybe they have saved my life?

Below is a breif overview of my life, using just a few of the random photos that I do have: