It has been one week since I have last written. Pardon the absence, as I have been in the midst of a little existential crisis, with my spirit being pulled in 15 different directions. Seems to be, writing in my blog was not the way of coping this time. It was going to take heavy artillery. Meditation, divinity, and lucid thoughts were the only thing that were going to get me through. Nothing or nobody would help.
I have reached the same point many times in life, always brushing it off. My answer to these lingering questions? Run away - fast! Being a free spirit, that came naturally. Always off to the next destination or adventure! I'm going to die someday, wanting to live it up while I could. All I needed to know about the nature of existence, was summed up pretty easily. Then. This is now.
Now, I'm an adult, with a family. My husband with a deteriorating medical condition (Multiple Sclerosis) and enough medical problems of my own. I'm now anchored, and part of this means understanding that I need to step it up and be the bread winner for our family. Between medical bills, necessities come with children, keeping our lives afloat, (i.e. bills, food, gas, clothing, school supplies, crafts, ribbons, bows, etc...)
I know that I need to make an income to support that, while giving us a life that we can enjoy. Understanding that money does not buy happiness, I am realistic, and know that money is part of life. Unfortunate, but an honest mistake of Society.I need to make more than a McDonalds salary. (I use McD hypothetically here) I have no clue how I will make the kind of money that I need for my family to not only survive, but thrive. I do not want my family to be a charity case for anyone.
You see, I dropped out of High School at 17, quickly moving from Fremont, Michigan to St. Louis, Missouri. Sounding like a great idea at the time, except the fact that - I did not graduate. Although, earing my Good Enough Degree in 2001, I did not graduate. No College education. I feel like a failure to my family and society. To myself I learned many of lessons, and had a lot of great times and stories to tell. Some may think that makes me wise, some may not. That's for you to decide.
Any intelligence you may think I have, does not come from any formal education, I can honestly tell you that. I am kind of proud, but also ashamed of that fact. Considering my husband's entire family is well-educated, owns homes and are way better off financially. I love them all dearly, and I think the world of them. They are kind, generous and amazing people. Often times, we go visit and I hear talk of vacations, places they go, things they do, home repairs, new cars, even little things like going out to eat, going to movies. All things that we cannot do, and it makes me feel worthless. Utterly useless.
All the while, here I am, the girl with nothing, that comes from nothing. What I do have is pretty useless also, a New York State Cosmetology license which does absolutely nothing to help me in Michigan, and an Optician's License, that is close to 15 years old, and I'm sure no longer valid. All this leaves me to think is: Where am I going in life? What am I going to do for my family to thrive? What can I do with my life at 32 years old? Do I have the years to dedicate to College now? Not knowing where my family will be in 4 years, while waiting for me to get that degree.
Side Note: I must add - we live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. While it is an absolutely beautiful place to live, is one of the hardest places to find work. You can count on any job you apply for, there will be 50 people more qualified than you, dying to take it. I also don't have the best work history. I've walked out on most jobs that I've had, because I question too many things, and I have a problem with too many things in this sometimes horrific world, and I'm not afraid to state my opinion about any of them. Unfortunately, this does not work in the workplace, no. But, is it who I am? Yes! Therefore, I do not have the greatest of work references. Which is kind of a necessity.
Since I question authority often, and think for myself always, I know I need to do something that is me. I need to make use of my creativity, and use it as my source of income. Being my own leader. How does one make that happen exactly? How can you turn yourself into something successful? I have dreams - probabaly all too many dreams to be exact. They say, I am a DayDreamer.
People do it everyday. They market themselves, get jobs, and make a life doing what they love! Seeming to have it all! As extroverted as I can be about voicing my opinions over issues, it's so very hard to me to market myself. I can never seem to be that person. The one that is constantly harassing people to buy their stuff. I have to learn to be that person, I need to learn how. How do people do it? I guess I've thought that my creativity would sell itself, and that is not the case.
I know this much about myself - if I am not passionate about what I am doing, I will quit. (I know, "quitters never win", blah blah blah) I believe, that knowing yourself above all else, is a huge key through the door of success. And, what I know, is that I need to feel passion. I need to thrive in my own environment. I need to use my brain and my creative genes.
Side Note: I do understand, that no matter what path I choose, I will have to work with the public, and will have to always have to 'work for someone' but, it's a matter of that person seeing my work, and what I am passionate about, loving what I do - choosing me. That makes me feel good, knowing someone out there can look at my work, and feel the same passion I have. That is what I want - That is what I need.
Though I have spent the last (almost) 32 years of my life running free, with no real goal in view, maybe squandering it away, I don't know. What I can tell you, is that there are very important life lessons I've learned. Some of which are searched for, and never found, for that I am grateful.
Just a few examples of these lessons include:
- Question everything - take nothing at face value.
- It doesn't matter how the system works or what people think - set your own rules.
- Always follow curiosity - wherever direction it may lead.
- Seek out those with differing views - hearing many ideas and beliefs.
- Nobody has it all figured out.
- No shame ever comes with the words: I don't know, I'm sorry, or I was wrong.
- You cannot please everyone, ever.
- Trying to be cool or follow trends, is for the weak of mind.
- Make mistakes - LOTS of mistakes, it is those that define our character.
- Dance and sing often, even if there is no music.
- Stop thinking so much, sometimes you need to just act on gut instinct.
Now, how do I put all this together, and create a business that is gainful, successful and most of all, a reflection of ME? I've been crocheting/crafting and selling women's accessories on etsy and local boutiques for some time. Yes, it will get me a few bucks here and there, but nothing like I need. Not even close to that which is going to provide for my family. Great hobby, not a lucrative career. (Not to mention, my hands are falling apart because of it)
Recently, I started dabbling in photography/photo editing. Never thinking I could actually be at all talented in this arena. I have an Uncle who is a talented photographer, he's amazing and I never thought twice that I could be also. Of course, I am a newbie to all of this photography stuff. I immediately feel in love. This is what I'm meant to do. I've never felt so at home with anything.
I did the research, and found the community college here has a 2 year (4 semester) program for Associates of Fine Arts in Photography. I really do think I need to go for it! It's only 2 years, and if I don't do it? 2 years will go by, and I will say to myself: Christa, you'd be graduating from College right now if you had actually gone through with it.
This is huge for me. I have never walked across a stage to get a diploma of any kind. I've never felt that feeling of accomplishment. Hard work coming together, reaching a goal, the feeling of achievement. (Finishing beauty school is not at all the same thing, sorry to all my beloved stylists out there - you all rock - it's just not for me, and you do know what I mean - I hope)
I need that feeling, and I need to start a new life. So exciting, but so scary! What I can promise? I won't be quitting this time! I'm determined. When I really want something, and set my mind to it, I am a fighting force! Where this degree will take me? I am not yet sure. There are many options, and I have 2 years to figure them out. I will make things happen, of this you can be sure.
What I'll do in the meantime? I'm not so sure. Hopefully, some divine intervention will happen, and something will come my way. Which will come by way of working as an Esthetician, abd working my way through photography school. Let's hope my husband is ready for this journey, as he will become the super-dad that he already is! There is a lot of exciting things in store for us!
If you have any thoughts on this subject, PLEASE feel free to share them with me! I'd love to hear your opinions on this subject. Don't be shy! Comments, questions, concerns - they are ALL welcomed. If you are a photographer, I'd love to hear your stories and your journey, or any advice that you can give is so appreciated!
Much love to you all!
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